4: What’s the “Explicit” in Explicit Nature?

Who are we? How did we get our name? And what’s explicitness have to do with anything? Our particular relationship philosophy (as well as our beloved namesake, Explicit-Nature), is based squarely and unshakably on the hopefully-none-too-radical notion that in order to have a truly healthy relationship- truly healthy- there must be total equality between partners. It’s absolutely essential.

What’s more, in order to achieve and maintain total equality for both partners, it’s imperative that neither partner use power and control over the other in any form. Each partner must be autonomous, free, equal, able to make their own authentic decisions and actions, and this freedom must be endorsed by the other in order for true healthiness to occur.

The problem with this, of course, (in addition to it sounding lovely in theory, likely unachievable in practice), is that not using power and control of any kind over one’s partner, enables one’s partner to potentially use power and control over them if they so choose. And should that partner in fact do so, how does one stop them without resorting to that same power and control themselves?

It’s a paradox. One for which there’s no simple answer. And given the countless ways in which inequality can occur in a relationship, this notion of “total healthiness” is perhaps little more than a fool’s errand, is it not?

This dilemma points to an inherent contradiction regarding the actual obtainability and achievability of true healthiness in a relationship where two autonomous people who are free to behave however they choose are concerned;

that only through total autonomy and freedom is true healthiness achievable in a relationship,

but total autonomy and freedom is that which enables one’s partner to behave toward them in an unhealthy way.

What most people therefore do in response to this contradiction, in order to protect themselves (to not lose power, not experience the emotional pain of powerlessness, and to not be hurt) is to want to implement at least some degree of personal control in the relationship. And when such an impulse is acted upon, personal power and autonomy are persevered, but true (or maximum) healthiness is compromised as a result.

However, the potential hazards of refraining from power and control is not the only area in relationships where this paradox presents itself.

Let’s consider trust, for instance.

It’s a familiar adage, and one that we’ve all heard; that in order to have a truly healthy relationship, you have to trust your partner completely. Yet it is precisely the act of fully trusting one’s partner which makes it possible for one’s partner to betray their trust.

And just like with total equality, what most people do in response is to either forego a certain level of trust (in favor of some measure of power or control in order to lessen the likelihood that they’ll be hurt), or forego trust altogether in hopes of ensuring that they won’t be. And just like with equality, emotional well-being is safeguarded, but again, true healthiness is sacrificed.

Accountability is no different.

In order to have a truly healthy relationship, you have to have mutual accountability. But in order to have mutual accountability in a relationship based on equality, both partners must, of their own volition, exhibit trustworthiness, investment, commitment and responsibility toward their partner and their relationship while also refraining from forcing their partner to be so in order for the relationship to thrive. Meaning both must be free to choose to be accountable. Yet it’s precisely this freedom which makes it possible for someone to be unaccountable toward their partner, if they so desire.

So what can anyone do in order to have true healthiness in their relationship? Is it even possible?

It would appear that our best, and perhaps only option (given the goal of true healthiness through total equality, and the inevitable high risk which personally abstaining from all power and control creates), is an approach to relationships wherein;

1) healthiness, equality, trust, accountability, etc., are mutually endorsed and mutually upheld by both partners of their own free will,

2) (So that they can be upheld), for there to be mutually created and endorsed parameters and guidelines for conduct and goal achievement in the relationship, and

3) for such parameters and guidelines to be established in such a way that both partners’ conduct in accordance with them are evidenced through easily discernible actions and behaviors which are easily apparent to one’s partner and clearly demonstrate their commitment.

In other words, a willingness to be held accountable by one’s partner in specific areas of the relationship that are mutually-endorsed and which demonstrate accountability.

What we call Explicit-Contracts.

If the above description seems rather wordy, here’s a simpler one; a mutual agreement where both partners state that they will ACT the way they CLAIM they FEEL. (Which technically, is all that an Explicit Contract is about.)

So what is an Explicit-Contract, exactly?

An Explicit Contract, by definition, is a highly specific, mutually created and mutually designed pact, representing a precise approach to a particular goal, issue, or problem in a relationship which both partners seek to accomplish through clarity, mutual participation, mutual investment, and mutual endorsement. In short, it’s a contract in the most basic sense, but where both parties are fully on board, a high degree of specificity and understanding are essential, and where personal accountability is highly emphasized.

And regardless as to whether it succeeds or fails, an Explicit Contract has three very specific functions;

1) to accomplish a mutual goal in a specific area of a relationship,

2) to assess the degree of one’s accountability in a specific area of a relationship,

3) to determine whether or not accountability exists in a specific area of a relationship.

Simply put, an Explicit Contract is a goal-achieving device and an accountability-assessing device.

All three such functions are highly important, and are equally important. (We mean that by the way; all three are of equal importance. Relationship goal achievement- though obviously the most desired outcome of the three- is no more important or useful than the other two.)

By the way, another enormous benefit of Explicit-Contracts (which we’d be remiss not to mention) is that good communication is absolutely essential for relationship success, and miscommunication is an enormous reason why so many relationship problems exist and persist! So an approach to relationship issues that endorses total clarity and absolute mutual understanding makes a great deal of practical sense.

Does an Explicit Contract mean one mistrusts or is suspicious of their partner?

Not at all! (Though there’s nothing wrong with lacking trust in someone who refuses to demonstrate accountability.) Maybe try to think of it this way;

An Explicit Contract doesn’t mean you don’t trust your partner, it means they’re invited to demonstrate how much they value you and the relationship within the parameters of a specific mutual agreement which has clear parameters and expectations, while the two of you embark on a problem-solving journey which will strengthen trust.

An Explicit Contract is an invitation to a demonstration.

And in case you’re wondering, you and your partner can of course decline such an invitation. (You are free, after all, and like we said, the relationship we’re hoping for you to have is a truly healthy one.) Either of you can decline to participate in a particular contract and even say no to an accountability-based relationship altogether.

However, depending on your or your partner’s response to such an invitation (and in keeping with the three functions which Explicit Contracts serve), you will either;

1) accomplish your relationship goal together,

2) assess your partner’s level of accountability in regard to that issue,

3) determine that your partner has insufficient or no accountability toward you or the relationship where such a Contract is concerned.

And whatever the outcome, whichever of the three it is, you will have received absolutely essential information about your partner, about your relationship, and about the possibility of true healthiness being achievable with such a partner, given their actions!

Please keep reading if you’d like to understand more about Explicit Contracts as well as our particular perspective regarding relationship accountability!