RELATIONSHIP Q & A

Yes! In fact, being with a partner for a long time might make it easier to negotiate an explicit contract. Let’s start by defining explicit contracts. Once it’s explained we think you’ll see how reasonable it is.

In the beginning, asking your partner for an explicit contract may seem overly formal, but the truth is many aspects of our daily life are already dictated by a contracts, most of them are just implied.

Let’s first look at an easy to understand example…our place of employment. The dress code where you work directly states that you must wear a collared shirt. That’s an explicit contract – if you want to stay employed and get a paycheck – you have to follow the dress code. Right?

However, the dress code doesn’t say how you have to wear that collared shirt, does it? No, because that’s implied (or implicit). Not convinced? Give it a try – the next time you’re headed into the office decide to wear your shirt backwards. You may be able to get away with it, but if not you can be sure your Manager will explicitly ask you to change your shirt.

Does that make sense? If you’re alive you’re constantly conforming to implicit contracts. It’s just that we follow them automatically because we are so accustomed to them. What gets lost in an implicit contract is a clear understanding of expectations. We’re simply encouraging you to overtly communicate your needs to your partner and if they’re willing, explicitly negotiate the terms of the contract.

Lastly, we’ve got to advocate for you to document the final contract. Again, I know it sounds formal, but unless you’re Marilu Henner, it’ll be next to impossible to remember the details. So take an extra moment and write it down, text it to yourself, audio record it or enlist an impartial witness. Hopefully, you never have to refer to it, but you’ll be glad you have a copy if you want to reference it in the future. After all, it is an explicit contract not a vague, highly open to interpretation and manipulation contract.

Now, back to your question. I’ll admit if you’ve been with your partner a long time the idea of an explicit contract might feel completely foreign. On the other hand, if you’ve been with your partner a long time you’ve likely built up a substantial amount of goodwill and positive experiences. If so, you could approach this like an experiment. Tell your partner you learned something new and think it will benefit your relationship. Ask them to listen to our Podcast or explain the basics of an explicit contract. Maybe they’ll be totally open to the idea?

However, if your relationship is not so ideal – characterized by strife and negativity – getting your partner to agree to an explicit contract might be a harder sell. That being said, it is still important to have the conversation. Ask your partner if they’d be willing to learn more about explicit contracts. Explain that it might be the exact thing your relationship needs to minimize disagreements and improve your overall communication. Let them know that the only thing you’re really asking for is that they keep an open-mind until they know more.

In the end, if your partner doesn’t agree to an explicit contract, you will still acquire essential information. You see, a partner that isn’t willing to explore new ways of communicating or behaving is essentially saying, “Your happiness doesn’t much matter to me.” I know that sounds harsh, but it’s true. A partner that isn’t willing to negotiate with you and arrive at an expressly stated agreement (explicit contract) is someone that doesn’t take your perspective and desires very seriously. If this is a characteristic of your relationship, such information won’t come as a surprise. But it does speak to your partner’s accountability, and learning this might suggest you’re coming into a place where relationship accountability isn’t something you’re willing to compromise going forward.