7: Accountability and the Two Identifying Traits of the Toxic Individual

How on earth do you stop- or even spot- a toxic individual at the outset of a relationship, before they can implement tactics of power and control and before a significant emotional investment in them has been made? To their intended victim, toxic people (whether they’re abusers, deceivers, or just users) have an arsenal of ways of remaining undetected to a new partner, oftentimes presenting themselves as the very antithesis of toxicity in order to do so. Such people can be highly romantic, deeply empathic, attentive, nurturing and even downright angelic in the early stages. In many cases, the only suspicious quality they might reveal is that they seem a little too good to be true! Yet despite such convincing strategies and concealed motives, they nonetheless possess two trademark characteristics which always give them away;

1) a willingness to use power and control over their partner,

2) an unwillingness to take accountability for doing so.

If this doesn’t seem immediately obvious, it is easy to corroborate; tactics of power and control, overt and covert, are precisely what define the toxic partner. And, of course, secrecy and denial- obscuring one’s tactics and refusing to acknowledge them- are what make such tactics possible. All of which in turn lead to the very power and control such a person seeks.

Can toxic individuals appear as though they’re not attempting to acquire such power? To an unwitting person? Absolutely. In the earliest stages, it’s the only way they can.

When we look to the various tactics toxic partners use (usually as an outsider and with the benefit of hindsight), it’s easy to surmise that theirs are easily detectable, even obvious, methods. What’s more, that the solution is utterly simple; if your partner attempts to control you, you know you have a controlling partner. If your partner won’t admit it, it’s clear they have no accountability. So if you notice these two things happening, just leave them. End of story...

How wonderful to be an outsider (or to have never been in such a relationship).

In reality, power and control are achieved incrementally and methodically in abusive relationships. And the tactics used to achieve them are tailored to fit the precise vulnerabilities and blind spots of that particular person. And when they’re done effectively for a prolonged period of time, the victimized partner loses not only physical power, but also the power of discernment, the power to trust their own thoughts and perceptions, and in many cases the power to leave. And once sufficient control has been established (psychological, emotional, physical, financial, etc.) the victim’s awareness of such tactics is of little or no consequence or concern to the abuser.

Yet this only accounts for one type of abuser.

Because for many abusive and toxic partners, physical violence- or the overt threat of it- isn’t a component, thus enabling their tactics to assume forms far more insidiously subtle than those of their violent counterparts. Imagine trying to detect the toxicity of someone who bears no trace of augmented personal power, but who instead gradually subverts their partner’s access to it. To a bystander, even someone quite close to such a couple where this is happening, such individuals can easily appear as passive, rational, easy-going, even submissive. In many cases they’re the one regarded by outsiders as the sane, sensible one in the relationship.

Thus, not only is it vitally important to discern such people, it’s absolutely critical that they be identified and removed as soon as possible.

But where to start? If the only thing that distinguishes such a person is that in hindsight they can be observed as having succeeded in avoiding detection? How on earth could anyone possibly stop such people before they come into the fullness of their abusive power?

…What of this second trademark characteristic; no accountability?

Could this be the way of identifying them? It is indeed. But what is accountability exactly? Not basically, generally, or essentially, but precisely?

Before we share with you how we specifically define accountability, maybe we should take a moment and consider how you define it. We’ll say this much; after more than five years of talking with literally hundreds of people about it (abusers, victims, and others), we’re definitely of the opinion that for most individuals, accountability (despite being universally regarded as highly important) is only vaguely understood and only barely on their relationship radar.

Have you or anyone you’ve ever known established a person’s accountability before dating them?

Is accountable a word you typically use to describe someone?

Is accountability on the list of the five or even ten traits you regard as the most essential in a partner?

For most people this would be something of a no.

And let’s be honest, most people would look at you rather quizzically if you asked them the same thing. Because while accountability has definitely permeated many areas of our society (workplace culture, personal development, goal setting, etc.), it most certainly hasn’t penetrated the realm of intimate partner relationships in any meaningful, impactful way.

We therefore ask you after reading this post to please take a few moments and consider your own definition for accountability, regardless of how imprecise it might be. Just a few words or phrases would be sufficient, whatever comes up. We wouldn’t bother asking, except that how you reflect on your past experiences while reading this blog, as well as how you interpret the information we’ll be sharing with you going forward, will be considerably more illuminating if you’re consciously aware of the beliefs you carry and how you yourself have been “doing accountability” up until this moment.

It’s like that old saying, “You don’t know what you don’t know...don’tcha know?” -Marcus Aurelius

Please join us in the next post, How Do You Define Accountability?, after you’re done!