6: How Do You Get Your Partner to do an Explicit Contract? / Two Differing Views of Accountability

Explicit Contracts sound wonderful, right? Two partners, both voluntarily deciding to tackle a persistent problem or issue through a mutually forged, carefully constructed, unanimously endorsed agreement. Sounds amazing, right? So much mutual investment, so much cooperation. It sounds spectacular. So why don’t we see them everywhere? And why aren’t rainbows made of chocolate while we’re at it?

Maybe because it’s so hard, often even impossible, to get one’s partner (or both partners, frankly), to willingly work together in such a way, even under the best of circumstances.

Explicit Contracts would be amazing, to be sure, if you could actually get two people to do them.

So how do you make your partner do an Explicit Contract?
Well, we’re sorry to inform you, but in a relationship of total equality you don’t make your partner do anything. They’re free to do whatever they want. And while, sure, it can often be immensely challenging, remember, the objective is a healthy relationship.

Healthiness or not, how do you “get” anyone to do one?

It all boils down accountability; the kind your partner claims to have is what determines their willingness to do Explicit Contracts.

In a relationship of total equality (the only way total healthiness is achievable) and relationship accountability, each partner relies on the other’s accountability to ensure that they’ll show up for, and freely participate in, an Explicit Contract (or any agreed-upon solution to a relationship problem). They don’t force, coerce, manipulate, complain, nag (a terrible word for a constant request that goes unheeded) or badger the other to do so. Full accountability is expected, full accountability is invited, and (hopefully) full accountability is demonstrated.

So what do we mean by “full accountability”?

Would it surprise you to learn that there’s more than one definition?

Most people do have a pretty good understanding of the meaning of the word accountability, to be sure, but for many it’s a somewhat difficult thing to define or articulate. This isn’t surprising, as accountability isn’t something that has been fully developed in our culture where intimate partner relationships are concerned. It’s certainly well known in workplace environments in terms of conduct and responsibility, and in reference to personal and mutual goal-setting. And of course taking ownership for one’s actions when one wrongs another person, fails in their responsibility to someone or something, or simply makes a mistake. We all have a personal sense of what accountability means to us in such contexts. And yet it’s a somewhat formal, transactional interpretation of accountability; agreements made, actions taken to uphold such agreements, and actions taken to make reparations for when such agreements are violated.

But that’s only one kind of accountability, and it’s not the kind we at Explicit-Nature are referring to.

You see most acts of personal accountability (as well as the expectation of it from others) are externally-motivated, meaning they’re prompted or motivated by something or someone external to oneself. Which leads to accountability being done for the following four reasons;

1) after having acted UNaccountably,

2) when one prefers to,

3) because of an expectation or rule and one merely complies, just goes along with it.

4) because they got caught.

And, afterward, use accountability (make some kind of amends or reparations, be it an apology or an act of some kind) to get back in good standing with the injured party.

(Do you see the external nature of such behavior, and therefore the problem?)

All four are widely accepted forms of taking full responsibility, full accountability, right? Yet all are just middling degrees of personal virtue. They’re all quite tepid, uninspired, sub-par and lame, really. And the reason why they’re so lame is because they all work in favor of those who prefer to provide only minimal accountability or shirk it altogether.

And we tolerate this? We even admire this? We actually commend people when they do this?

It’s ludicrous, but such forms and degrees of accountability are regarded as entirely sufficient in many areas of life. They’re actually thought of as good enough. But in the area of personal, significant, or intimate-partner relationships, this level of accountability isn’t nearly adequate. Wouldn’t you agree?

The definition that we use here at Explicit-Nature, on the other hand, is quite simple, yet it goes substantially further, elevating something that is uninspired, compulsory or transactional to something which denotes genuine personal investment; internally-motived. And believe it or not, it’s just the Merriam-Webster definition which can be easily found online. You can google it in seconds. Plus, it’s only thirteen words! But notice, if you will, how different it is when we really unpack it.

Accountability (n); an obligation or willingness to accept responsibility or to account for one’s actions.

Thus, an accountable person;

1) Takes responsibility for their actions,

2) Accounts for their actions,

3) Does so willingly,

4) Does so out of a sense of duty.

Do you see the difference? All are motivated from within, all are forms of internal accountability.

The Merriam-Webster definition of accountability;

1) is consistently exhibited (doesn’t require a previous lack of accountability in order to occur),

2) involves transparency (when taking responsibility and accounting for your actions),

3) is done willingly (requires no prompting of any kind),

4) is done out of a sense of duty (one willingly regards it as their obligation to be so, not merely obliged to be so).

Please note: the above definition of accountability, however lofty or unattainable it may appear, is actually nothing more than the typical behavior of anyone who truly cares about their partner and their relationship!

Now, if you have a moment, please take a moment to compare the first definition of accountability we provided with the second.

Which partner would you rather be with, the first or the second?

And which partner have you been with (or might you be with currently)?

..Aren’t you tired of it? Aren’t you exhausted?

Here at Explicit-Nature, we aren’t re-defining accountability in any way whatsoever. We just went to the dictionary.

Now then, if you’re wondering which the kind of partner will willingly and wholeheartedly participate in an Explicit-Contract, it’s the kind of partner described in the second definition.

So the question might not be, “How to I make or get my partner to do an Explicit Contract?”

It might be, “How do I find a partner who endorses real accountability?”

And if you’re currently in a relationship, the question might be, “How do I get my partner to acknowledge and embrace accountability of this kind, and what does it mean if they don’t?”

Check out our next blog post and find out!