19: Why Personal Conduct Breaks Down During Conflict (and How Explicit Contracts Repair it)

Why do people often conduct themselves so poorly during conflict, sometimes embarrassingly so, and why don’t they seem to be remotely aware of it?

The reason is more obvious than you might think.

The first reason is that for many of us, whenever we’re engaged in heated conflict with a stranger or even a loved one, our focus is primarily, sometimes exclusively, on anything and everything other than how we’re behaving at the moment. And not surprisingly, the higher the degree of conflict we’re experiencing (the more intense it feels, the more activated, defensive, frustrated, or angry we become), the more our focus strays from its usual self-consciousness, and the less self-aware we are. (And even characteristically considerate, aware individuals’ conduct suffers as conflict escalates). And not unlike a forgetful person assuming that the solution for their poor memory is to remember to not be forgetful, self-awareness alone isn’t going to be of much use in a situation where we know self-awareness leaves us.

The second reason- which we discussed in depth in the previous blog post- is that the principle of reciprocal accountability & non-accountability inevitably causes us to feel no obligation to behave with respect and consideration to someone we perceive as not extending the same courtesy toward us. And since conflict, by definition, is the experience and expression of the feeling that one is not being treated accountably, it’s a near certainty that poor personal conduct will be exhibited by one, if not both parties.

We’re all far from perfect. And even under ideal conditions, we’re often oblivious as to the way we come across to others. We all have dysfunctional learned behaviors, emotional wounding, and beliefs that tell us it’s appropriate to be inconsiderate when in conflict. What’s more, we have communication styles that seem perfectly normal to us simply because we’ve never been on the receiving end of them. Consequently, we all have behaviors that frustrate, activate, and annoy the hell out of our partner, and the same goes for them.

Just for squeaks and giggles, here’s a list of common behaviors that often seem entirely appropriate to the person exhibiting them, but are completely antithetical to respectful communication and conflict resolution. Note if you or your partner have ever experienced or exhibited any of them;

1) Constant interrupting.

2) Only talking, not listening.

3) Emotionally shutting down or detaching.

4) Being dismissive (eye-rolling, sighing, groaning, etc.).

5) Refusing to take the other or the situation seriously (laughing, smiling, joking, mocking, being sarcastic, etc.).

6) Raising one’s voice or yelling.

7) Changing the subject.

8) Ending the conversation.

9) Physically leaving mid-conflict.

10) Being passive-aggressive.

11) Dominating the conversation.

12) Controlling the narrative (where the conversation will go).

13) Intentionally misquoting one’s partner, misrepresenting the other’s perspective or argument.

14) Taking words, phrases, events out of context rather than acknowledging the other’s overall point.

15) Intimidating behavior; making threats, getting too close, standing over the other, physical contact, etc.

16) Personal attacks (name-calling, put-downs, insults, etc.)

17) Taking no responsibility whatsoever for any aspect of the conflict.

And the list goes on…

If you or your partner commonly engage in any of the above tactics, intentionally or otherwise, how are you both doing in terms of fixing them? Are you actively working to improve or do you merely apologize for them from time to time? Or do you even do that?

When does one even become self-aware of such behaviors?  

And when do they actually fix them?

Some other time? Gradually, over the years? Or do we just expect our partner to accept us as we are?

If you’re serious about having an accountability-based relationship, would you or your partner be willing to acknowledge and work on them now, with the other’s help? (What a novel idea, right?)

Bringing awareness to our personal conduct during a conflict is actually quite easy in an accountability-based relationship. Simply agree to have your partner remind you of those aspects of your conduct (you yourself have acknowledged are unacceptable and need work) while you’re exhibiting them. That’s right, during a fight, which is the best time to practice constructive personal behavior. (And yes, have no fear, you get to do the same for them. It’s all about equality, remember?) If you and your partner are both truly open to mutual relationship accountability, then actively transforming how you both engage in conflict is a natural and practical way of achieving it. Why is this? Because you can’t fix your problems if you never fix the way you fix your problems. And furthermore, you can’t fix how you argue during an argument. (…Not unless you have an Explicit Contract about it, that is.)

If you’re capable of acknowledging you have areas that need work, would you be willing to make an Explicit-Contract with your partner about it? One where you welcome your partner- during an argument- reminding you of those conduct goals you yourself have agreed need improvement? Because frankly, thinking you’ll improve your conduct while fighting at some time other than when you’re fighting, is like assuming you can jump in the ocean because you’ve given a great deal of thought to the importance of knowing how to swim.

And again, you’ll be doing the same for them.

Will it always be successful? Of course not. Sometimes you’ll make considerable progress and other times it’ll feel like you’re moonwalking…in the pejorative sense. And there will perhaps be times when it results in yet another argument. But with genuine investment and consistency, you’ll succeed far more often than you will fail, and you’ll both get better and better. And two partners working together on how they argue while they argue is both a thing of beauty and the strongest indication that a formerly unachievable solution may now be within reach.

Think about it; how nice would it be if an argument weren’t just a grotesque pageant of hideous, childish behavior where we or our partner yell at each other while unfurling our dysfunctional wares, but a situation where we try and resolve conflict and an opportunity to practice being better at it?

…Crazy notion, right?