18: Why Reciprocal Accountability & Unaccountability Perpetuate Conflict

Why does accountable behavior break down so darn quickly in conflict situations?

There is an all-too-seldom mentioned, but highly consistent (and we think pretty obvious once you see it) phenomenon regarding accountable behavior between individuals when they’re engaged in conflict, be they strangers or intimate partners; that when someone acts without accountability toward us, we typically feel no reason or obligation to behave accountably toward them. And conversely, when a person acts with accountability toward us, we will usually (sometimes even despite ourselves) elevate our own accountability to match theirs.

In short, we lower our accountability whenever we perceive they’ve lowered theirs, and we’ll only raise our own if they raise theirs first. Fancy that.

This practice, which we’ll call reciprocal accountability & reciprocal non-accountability, makes a great deal of sense for numerous reasons, particularly from a practical standpoint. And both behaviors, on their face, are completely valid. The problem with such reciprocal accountability is that it makes our own accountable behavior predicated by, and therefore dependent upon, however another happens to choose to act toward us, and the same goes for the other person. Thus, it usually results in a negative outcome. In other words, the bigger the ass matador you’re dealing with, the bigger the shit box you’re liable to be toward them. Good luck with that, we wish you both the best.

The problem with such a mentality is that it leaves conflict-resolution almost entirely to chance. Furthermore, it makes it so we always feel that we’re always reacting appropriately given the unaccountability shown to us by the other person, and it makes it so the other person always feel like they’re reacting appropriately to the unaccountability we’re showing them. Which came first, the chicken or the chicken, the egg or the egg? (Don’t think about that one too much. Just let the profundity wash over you.)

We’re not saying you’re wrong in such instances; you might well be the one in the right. But we also can’t say the other person is wrong, either. They might be in the right. One thing’s for sure; you’re both acting toward the other how someone in the wrong acts. Get it? And all the “rightness” in the world alone won’t convince the other person you’re correct, you’ll never establish mutual accountability using reciprocal accountability/non-accountability, and you’ll never solve the conflict you find yourself in.

This alone is no great revelation, and most people are fine with it because, heck, we’re right and they’re wrong. And it wouldn’t be particularly significant if accountability between individuals raised as easy as it lowered. (It doesn’t. It nosedives faster than an airline pilot searching for a contact lens.) It shouldn’t surprise you or anyone to hear that unaccountable behavior catches on and is exhibited far more frequently in conflict situations that accountable behavior is. Why is this? Quite simply, it’s because conflict, when it occurs, is the result of the pre-existing perception that a lack of accountability has already been committed by the other person, which is precisely why such a conflict came to be. Furthermore, in virtually all conflict situations, the feeling is mutual. Hence, the mutual perception and presumption of the other’s non-accountability is the first thing established whenever conflict arises, and the belief that one is justified in reacting to such unaccountability with unaccountability is the second. Hence, a negative chain reaction commences. Like two rooftop ping-pong players in free-fall (don’t ask me how it happened, I’ve told them not to play up there), accountability drops with each exchange until it vanishes entirely, often in an instant. And once this downward spiral begins, it’s a very, very hard thing to reverse, as anyone who’s ever attended a Black Friday sale, a professional sporting event, mentioned politics or religion, or has driven a car, will attest.

And let’s not forget that because it IS a conflict situation (not a team-building retreat), where the nature of the encounter is already negative in nature, people’s behavior is far less than stellar, so the likelihood of both partners perceiving a LACK of satisfactory consideration genuinely skyrockets.

In short, the cards are overwhelmingly stacked in favor of reciprocal unaccountability and against reciprocal accountability.

Why haven’t we evolved out of this obviously limiting dynamic?

..Maybe because we’re creatures that extoll purely altruistic behaviors, but prefer to practice far more, shall we say, “practical” ones?

..Maybe be it’s because we have an inflated notion of what consideration and respect we’re entitled to, and a diminished sense of the conduct we should afford others?

..And ohhh, we don’t know, maybe it’s because we haven’t given nearly enough thought to the principles of genuine relationship accountability? (We’re not sayin’…we’re just sayin.’)

Sadly, this reciprocal accountability and unaccountability is not exclusive to how people typically interact with complete strangers (whom they have no great reason or obligation to be accountable toward), it’s also how most intimate partners engage with each other when they experience conflict.

And frankly it’s a real shame because it doesn’t have to be this way!

Let’s be honest; partners are always going to differ, disagree and even fight, because intimate partners are always, from time to time, going to perceive or receive a lack of sufficient accountability from their partner. And when such conflict happens, they will both regard their partner as the one lacking accountability toward themselves. It’s the essence of conflict; what sparks conflict, and what perpetuates it. And so long as such a perception exists, coupled with it the belief that it’s only the other one lacking accountability, such conflict will always exist.

Look, you don’t HAVE to extend accountability to someone who genuinely doesn’t deserve it. It’s your prerogative to do so or not. But permitting oneself to act without accountability toward someone you’re in conflict with validates their belief that it’s you who are unaccountable. And because you are acting without accountability in that moment, they’re right, you are.

Seriously, you don’t have to bestow your finest conduct on someone who doesn’t deserve it. But if it’s your partner, just know that doing the opposite does confirm their view of you. In that moment, at least, your behavior is proving them right.

But it doesn’t have to end there!

If your goal is healthy conflict resolution and mutual satisfaction, we’re her to tell you that by understanding the various principles of genuine relationship accountability and how to incorporate them into your relationship, you will forever prevent the free fall ping-pong match from hell! (And to whoever invented rooftop ping-pong, that was a terrible idea.)