15: Explicit Contracts Work (Even When They’re Unsuccessful.)

Now that we’ve established numerous aspects of the Explicit-Nature philosophy; that relationship accountability is always equality-based, the precise definition for accountability that is the basis for it, how willingness and consistency are vital to real relationship accountability, the complete reasonableness of asking for and expecting accountability from one’s partner, the precise context which enables accountability to be reasonably asked for as well as assessed (through Explicit Contracts), why accountability is exclusively action-focused and never person-focused (because it is never a character trait),

perhaps the thing to do now is to explain in a little more detail how relationship accountability works in practice, particularly given our claim that in equality and accountability-based relationships, “you don’t make your partner do anything.”    

How could this relationship approach possibly work, specifically Explicit Contracts, if you have a partner that simply doesn’t want to do them? If they can simply say no, what is one supposed to do?

Assuming the Explicit-Nature philosophy appeals to you, relationship accountability is the kind of thing you’d like for your relationship to have (including Explicit Contracts), the answer has to do, quite simply, with what are the two sole functions of Explicit Contracts in relationship-accountability;

1) To establish accountability-based approaches and solutions to one’s relationship’s issues with a partner who also wants to.

2) To determine where precisely your partner has accountability, and where they do not.

And the answer you receive as a result of the above two functions of Explicit Contracts will prompt you to take one of the following two subsequent actions;

1) determine that you can make the relationship work given your partner’s lack of accountability in that particular area of the relationship, or

2) determine that the relationship will not work for you given your partner’s lack of accountability in that particular area of the relationship. (And when the time is right, you end it.)

In short, your partner does not need to agree to an Explicit Contract for you to get the information you require about your partner’s accountability regarding that specific area of your relationship.

It’s that simple.

Now, please note that as we’ve already stated before, it’s important to only propose those Explicit Contracts that are either reasonable, or essential. And it’s going to be important to really bear those two things in mind and give them some real consideration, as sometimes certain expectations and requirements, unbeknownst to some, can be excessive.

Furthermore, it’s important to honor your partner’s prerogative- as a free and autonomous person in the relationship- to not agree to an Explicit Contract if they so choose. The have this right, (and this will indeed occur). But just so they don’t become, how shall we say, “chronically contract-avoidant,” if you will, it’s why we say it’s absolutely crucial to establish as early as possible with your partner that they willingly and genuinely endorse;

1) an accountability-based relationship (meaning that Explicit Contracts- or some equivalent- will be part of your relationship),

2) total equality between partners (meaning that they will take your explicit contracts as seriously as they would expect you to take theirs),

3) genuine negotiation (which a reasonable or essential Explicit Contract is by no means a violation of ),

4) an easily discernible degree of investment in the relationship (meaning they demonstrate a spirit of openness and willingness when Explicit Contracts are mentioned or introduced).

5) transparency (meaning that they will be genuinely honest as to their reasons for not wanting to do a particular Explicit Contract).

The above five criteria for an accountability-based relationship are established for the simple reason that if your partner consistently avoids or rejects your Explicit Contracts, or calls them unreasonable when you believe they are not, at some point, your partner will be not just avoiding various contracts, they will be avoiding upholding the very values and principles they formerly claimed they highly endorse. (“Liar, liar, toga ablaze with hypocrisy.” -Plato)

We realize much of what we’re saying may sound incredibly blunt, but we promise you it’s only to convey such information in the simplest possible terms. And like we said in the introduction, significant life decisions have their own timeline, so there’s no need to act hastily given what realization you come to regarding your partner and relationship. But when you are ready to make a tough decision, you and you alone will have ALL the information and clarity you could ever possibly need and you will not be swayed from doing what you know to be the right decision, whatever it may be.

And the information you seek can come from either your partner’s actions regarding an agreed-upon Explicit Contract, or from their unwillingness to do such a Contract. Neither responses require that you implement power and control, manipulative tactics, coercion, threats, or anything of that nature.

Honestly, it’s like any measured, thought-out, careful approach to discerning anything in life that doesn’t involve personal force; observe and assess, observe and assess, observe and STRIKE LIKE THE MIGHTY COBRA!!, observe and assess, observe and assess, and so on...