16: The First Contract!

Thanks very much for joining us for this, our triumphant eleventh post! You made it! We sure hope you’ve enjoyed our previous ten, of which this post is the culmination. You now have all of the basics that you need to start on your personal adventure of relationship accountability!

..Okay, easy there cool whip, slow your roll cornbread, where exactly does one begin with this? How do you start?

The way in which one starts is by making what we call the First Contract. Yes, that does sound exactly like a sci-fi flick about an interdimensional portal or the top of a fascist’s to-do list. And no, despite the way it sounds, you don’t have to travel to Stonehenge, light candles and wear a druid’s robe in order to make one. Any henge will suffice, really. (For those on a budget, Crazy Larry’s Foamhenge and Batting Cages, just outside of Boise, is AAA recommended, has mini-golf and an arcade, and competitive off-season rates.)

The purpose of the First Contract is simply to establish a precedent. In this case, the precedent of the endorsement of mutual equality and relationship accountability, so as to then clearly establish particular expectations for subsequent conduct and a clear understanding as to what the significance of violating those expectations will be. (Translation: Let’s both be perfectly clear that we both want the same thing here.)

Forgive the formality of the following analogy but in reality it actually functions no differently than a marriage vow…minus fifty grand and eight sets of dinner plates you’ll never use (cymbal crash), Hoah! ..But seriously, marriage vows are actually quite vague compared to a typical Explicit Contract, which really shouldn’t be the case, should it?; Love, honor, and keep? (Kinda vague, I can hang.). In sickness and in health? (Occasional flu? Torn fibula? Considerable pain, but still able to cook, do chores, bathe and eat without my assistance? Totally workable.) And faithful so long as we both shall live? (Yikes, let’s not kill the mood, okay father? This day’s supposed to be a happy one, am I right? (Hold for laugh.) I mean, if I say “I do” will you give it a rest? (cymbal crash), I mean c’mon! (Hold for bigger laugh.)

The purpose of both is to establish precedent.

It’s that simple.

Like any other desire, expectation or requirement you might have for your relationship, you establish from your partner that they freely and whole-heartedly endorse what you do; in this case, the four defining aspects of accountability-based relationships as well as the four defining aspects of accountability, both stated below and in earlier posts. (Both of which are literally nothing more than the expectations anyone would have in any typical serious relationship).

If they do agree to the First Contract, we think you’re off to a fantastic start. And if they don’t, well, as we’ve said before, then you really will have all the information you’ll truly ever need regarding whether you can have a relationship of accountability with such a person. You can remain with them, certainly, and the relationship might even be sufficient to your needs or expectations. But genuine relationship accountability won’t be a defining aspect of your relationship.

And, should they endorse the First Contract and their subsequent behavior NOT reflect that endorsement, you can hold them tangibly and justifiably accountable due to their former claim of genuinely wanting to do so.

We don’t want you to catch or trap your partner in a lie, we want you to have a partner with the same values as you. But if they DO reveal themselves to have lied about what they truly value in relationships, we want you to be able to clearly and unambiguously nail that lie to the wall in the cold light of day can I get an amen?…And have there be no ambiguity whatsoever as to whatever will happen next.

Capiche?

Prosciutto e melone?

And given that accountability can only be reasonably expected or required within an Explicit Contract, you and your partner simply make an Explicit Contract about this very thing, establishing that you and they both freely and authentically endorse the philosophical perspective of an equality and accountability-based relationship. Aka, the First Contract. (Also provided you’ve found all three rune stones on Delta 5 before the interdimensional portal closes forever.)

Here again are the four foundational elements of an equality-based relationship (mentioned in the introduction), as well as the four defining aspects of accountability itself (mentioned in post four). Eight in total.

And because we love repeating ourselves almost as much as we love repeating ourselves, we’ll say it yet again; all eight are literally nothing more than the precise behavior of anyone who genuinely cares for their partner and their relationship!

1) Negotiation (which is genuinely fair),

2) Investment in the relationship (which is easily discernible),

3) Transparency (and honesty),

4) Equality (meaning complete and utter).

Also known as NITE. As in “Give Me the NITE,” by the indomitable, eleven-time Grammy Award winning George Benson. (Yes, some acronyms are better than others. Moving right along…)

5) takes Responsibility for their actions,

6) Stands by their actions,

7) does so Willingly,

8) does so out of an acknowledgment of one’s Duty to their partner and the relationship.

Also known as RSWD. So to remember all eight, simply think of “NITERSWD,” or “Nitersuede,” (a controversial German leather undergarment made with potassium nitrate.)

That’s it!

Not hard, not unreasonable, and nothing a truly loving, invested person isn’t ALREADY DOING in their relationship!

And finally, the First Contract is also a contract you make with yourself; that you’re going to advocate for relationship accountability in your relationship if that’s what you really want and regard as essential. And if your partner doesn’t value the same thing, you’re willing to consider the tough reality of perhaps needing to be with somebody who will.

The First Contract.

..Now just insert the runestones into the henge and proceed through the portal. The fate of the galaxy is in your ha- oops, dropped a runestone, lemme get that for ya’, there you g- oopsie daisy, two’s a charm I guess, heh-heh, no pressure.