12: Explicit Contracts: Functions & Benefits, pt. I

While the idea of introducing Explicit Contracts into your relationship might seem awkward, needlessly formal of just silly, we ask you to read on nonetheless, as the benefits of Explicit Contracts far outweigh the effort.

We’d should also point out that how positive or negative, easy or difficult you can expect your experience with Explicit Contracts to be will be determined entirely by the level of accountability you and your partner bring to the table. For two like-minded people with compatible goals, Explicit Contracts are no hassle at all. In fact, they’re little more than two people clearly agreeing on an approach to a particular issue. Just…very clearly.

And in many instances where both partners are satisfied with each other and work well as a team, a full-on Explicit Contract might be unnecessary (depending of course on the nature and complexity of the issue, and if both partners agree). Furthermore, Explicit Contracts aren’t mandatory in order to have an accountability-based relationship; you can just observe your partner’s behavior from an accountability perspective. However, we do think it’s only a matter of time before an Explicit Contract will come in quite handy.

Supposing you’re in a new relationship and your partner’s accountability is unknown, you’re in an ongoing relationship where you feel accountability is in question, or the two of you have a persistent problem that just isn’t going away on its own. Explicit Contracts can be not only highly beneficial, but incredibly insightful. This is because Explicit Contracts shed light on both your partner’s openness, willingness and commitment with regard to a particular issue and toward accountability itself in the particular area the Contract refers to. (I know, we’re like a broken record, but it can’t be overstated.) So take heed; if your proposed Contracts are reasonable and your partner rejects them anyway, the problem most likely isn’t the Contract (though they might tell you it is), it’s that your partner either wants what the contract prohibits, or simply lacks the accountability you require to be satisfied in that aspect of the relationship. So before you decide that Explicit Contracts aren’t quite for you, below are some of the amazing benefits of Explicit Contracts;

1) You can ask for and receive precisely the treatment you desire or require, and your partner can do the same. (And we do mean precisely.) You’ll recall in our last post how we discussed the reasonableness of expecting your partner to continue the same loving behaviors they exhibited when you first started dating. Well, Explicit Contracts are an ideal way to clearly express what those precise behaviors are, the desire and expectation of such behaviors continuing, and to successfully track them. (That’s right, track them. So they remain the consistent over time.)

Did you miss those sensational foot rubs they used to give you? The way they put down their phone to give you their full attention when you walked through the door? Do you actually prefer not to be teased? Do you not particularly love being made to feel bad under the pretext of it being “just a joke”? )(“C’mon, lighten up, where’s you sense of humor?”…I don’t know, where’s anyone that’ll vouch for you that you’re actually funny?) (By the way, such behaviors can really eff with a relationship connection and we’ll cover both in merciless detail here in this blog and in our podcast.) Does your partner openly flirting in front of you not exactly rock your world? Maybe their jealous nature is really crossing a line. There’s no limit to the specificity of that which you can include in an Explicit Contract to define conduct in your relationship.

An Explicit Contract is like the IKEA of considerate treatment; seems like the kind of thing Swedish people would be into, is inexpensive, comes with directions, is multi-functional (you can revise, fine-tune, and personalize them!), and complements any interior…realm of the heart, that is. (…so smooth…)

2) You can determine your partner’s accountability with regard to a particular issue (or if they have it or don’t) almost immediately.

This alone could be the crucial factor that identifies a toxic partner, a person who lacks genuine investment, or one who doesn’t think they have to compromise in any way in a relationship. It could also be the difference between spending a few weeks, months (or even years) with a partner who just doesn’t have much accountability to offer.

3) You can identify and bring clarity to otherwise hidden aspects of the issue or problem which make solving it so difficult.

4) (Breathe a sigh of relief, those who hate arguing, because) Wherever Explicit Contracts have been established, there’s literally nothing to discuss in the event that it’s broken.

This one is fantastic, IOHO. Less fighting, less strife, less drama, because whether your partner upholds a clearly understood, mutually established contract or breaks one there’s literally nothing to discuss. All the bickering, fighting, yelling, tired excuses? Not required. You can pour yourself a nice fat Cabernet and listen all you want (or put on some headphones and read a magazine), but you don’t need to participate in your partner’s now one-sided argument. Simply point to the contract or the door for that matter.

5) No more being expected to have to hear, understand, or accept WHY they broke the Contract.

Of course there’s a why. There’s always a why. But you can include in any such contract that if your partner breaks it, WHY the WHY won’t be tolerated. (Just for the record, it is possible they might actually have a totally legitimate reason why they broke it. These things do happen. So we do always suggest you at least hear your partner out unless the contract anticipated precisely their usual cascade of bs.)

Truth bomb 5000; Accountability doesn’t care why, it only cares what.

(Tattoo this on your partner’s face who breaks a lot of contracts.) Maybe they should’ve…oh, we don’t know…considered the “why” before they agreed to the Contract?

6) The way you and your partner engage/have conflict/fight/frame issues/resolve issues will vastly improve because you can always make Explicit Contracts regarding HOW you communicate, fight, and approach problems.

This one is a huuuge favorite of ours. Does your partner constantly interrupt you? Do you suddenly get up and leave the room during an argument like you’re rehearsing for an evacuation? Does your partner get up from where they’re sitting and stand over you in an intimidating manner the moment they become angry? Do you acknowledge that you say unnecessarily mean things during a tense conversation? All of these can be immediately addressed and worked on literally when your next argument occurs if you use Explicit Contracts.

What’s that old saying? “You can’t fix how you fight during a fight?” (Full disclosure, we wrote that one. We just think it’s so true but didn’t want to sound like douchebags.) Well, it is entirely true. Fixing how you fight during a fight is like towel drying a wet Grizzly…you’re welcome to try…But with an Explicit Contract, you can! You can fix how you argue even while you argue, then watch both your approach to a solution and the likelihood you’ll find one improve at the same time!

7) When you do argue, the work, energy and precious lifeforce you pour into them will be lowered drastically over time.

This is because when you do have a fight, over time it will refer (with increasing frequency) solely to the agreed-upon terms of an Explicit Contract, and not just the thorny wall of resentment you’ve both built over the years. And guess what? Your next argument will eased by the improvements and breakthroughs you both made during this one. If you want your conflicts to get better and better, there’s no better way than with Explicit Contracts.

8) The arguments you do have will have will be less easily derailed.  

You know what we’re talking about, five minutes into an argument and your partner is arguing Relativity in Mandarin Chinese (when the issue was clearly about String Theory in Cambodian.) I know we said that there’s literally nothing to discuss if an Explicit Contract is broken (it’s true, there isn’t) but we also didn’t just fall off of the lobster boat yesterday (a little New England flavor there for ya.’ …And no, we don’t all say “flavah.” You’d be surprised how few Mainers actually have that accent, or have “lobster fever” for that matter.) People will often do whatever they can to pull their partner back into an argument that their partner takes no interest in.

Fights may indeed happen, but the fights you do have will refer exclusively to the Explicit Contract, not the two dozen or so issues your partner will try and goad you into juggling so that you never actually get around to the issue of their lack of accountability. Overall, your fights will be far less messy, confusing, hard to track, and less prone to misunderstanding or obfuscation. (Which is precisely how most arguments go with an accountability-avoidant partner.)

9) If you want even LESS to have to discuss, you can include the consequence of breaking a Contract into an Explicit Contract beforehand.

As in, “If you break this one again, don’t even try to talk to me about it…Agreed?”

In other words, the more familiar and practiced you become with creating Explicit Contracts, you can start putting into them those specific provisions that will both discourage their being broken as well as neutralize arguments you think your partner will likely have if they do break it. Tired explanations like, “I lost track of time…”, “It only because I drank…”, “I wasn’t myself…”, and that old chestnut, “It just happened!” won’t have to be entertained for even a moment if they’re built into the Contract beforehand.

10) The Contract holds and carries all of the information and particulars of the agreement, and is therefore the placeholder, arbiter, etc., so you don’t have to be.

In a very literal sense, when it comes to Explicit Contracts, should one be broken by your partner, your partner’s problem is not actually with you, it’s with the contract. This alone will cause you to not have to deal with nearly as much of the brunt of your partner’s frustration. Just like the role of a judge, a moderator, or even a referee, the Explicit Contract is external to both of you and holds all of the rules and expectations, not you. As a result, you will no doubt experience a distinct unburdening of their anger away from yourself and onto the agreement they themselves endorsed. (Like a defensive lineman who thinks you caused a foul; Take it up with the ref, muchacho, not me.)

11) Explicit Contracts are a concrete, tangible, wonderful way of establishing or restoring trust.

If the issue is a mutual one, and the goal is the same, Explicit Contracts enable couples to start functioning as a team, not as adversaries, in a tangible and highly efficient manner. Any partner who’s genuinely trying to rebuild trust (and is willing to be patient about it) should embrace Explicit Contracts, not resist them. And the sooner you and your partner incorporate them, the sooner you both can see the results that will get your relationship back on track again.

12) You can always revise an Explicit Contract to better suit the precise nature of the issue the Contract exists to serve.

Suppose you and your partner created an Explicit Contract, but an unexpected or unintended outcome emerges. Simply make a new revised Contract that addresses it! Explicit Contracts can be refined to better serve the issue and the relationship through increased specificity. Things you likely wouldn’t have been able to articulate, isolate, and address otherwise.

13) Explicit Contracts will help you and your partner become aware of subtler relationship issues and dynamics that would’ve otherwise gone undetected and therefore unacknowledged. The two authors of this relationship approach, Angie and myself, are notorious for failing to “get” something the other has been trying to say as well as just misunderstanding each other completely, sometimes for months at a time. None of them would’ve occurred if we knew of Explicit Contracts or how they worked at the time. Just last night, Angie finally got me to sit down and watch a Jacques Cousteau documentary she’d been wanting me to see for weeks. After forty-five minutes of stilted, perplexed silence, we discovered she is not a fan of 70’s oceanography, Cousteau is not in fact a beloved figure from my youth, I just once expressed I liked his signature hat. (How an Explicit Contract could ever fix this is anybody’s guess.)

14) Explicit Contracts will help you obtain the relationship you truly desire.

Explicit Contracts are so crucially related to both equality and accountability because only through Explicit Contracts can you know you’re treating your partner precisely the way that they want to be treated and that your partner is treating you precisely the way that you want to as well, through a voluntary participation in established relationship guidelines. What could be more equitable than you valuing them as much as you value yourself, and vice versa, as equal, autonomous individuals?

…And last but not least,

15) Explicit Contracts, should they be broken, will tell you very quickly everything you need to know as to whether you and your partner can actually have an accountability-based relationship.

“…But wait, there’s more!” (Explicit Contracts are the veritable Shamwow of relationship accountability. The Flex Seal of it, if you will. There’s always more. We’ve even left one of the biggest benefits of Explicit Contracts off this list so it can have it’s own post! Be sure and take a look!