11: The Explicit Contract in Detail

So now that we’ve established that it’s completely reasonable to ask for accountability from your partner…how does one go about reasonably asking for it? And even if you ask for such a reasonable thing reasonably, how do you make an unreasonable person do it?

Well, for starters, you don’t make your partner do anything. If what you’re asking for is in fact reasonable or essential to you, you don’t force or even persuade them. They’re either going to agree to be accountable regarding the issue or they won’t. (Which is all you’ll ever really need to know as far as we’re concerned.)

Remember, an equality-based relationship isn’t characterized by power and control, manipulative tactics or threats, but by fairness, respect and mutual autonomy. What this means is no one makes anyone do anything they don’t decide to do willingly. This is absolutely crucial to understanding not just equality but how relationship accountability works as well. Because whenever power is used to achieve anything beyond personal autonomy and mutual equality, it kills the accountability impulse in one’s partner, and therefore accountability where the issue where power was used, is concerned. It doesn’t necessarily mean this rises to the level of requiring a breakup or anything, but it does mean accountability will most likely shut down in that area. (This will make a lot more sense in a future post where we describe this dynamic in greater detail. Suffice it to say for now that power really screws up accountability good.)

Sound counterintuitive? Counterproductive? Hopelessly idealistic? We hear you. At first this accountability stuff can sound kind of absurd. But please remember, you’re just inviting your partner to be accountable, not making them be so.

The key to presenting an expectation or requirement of accountability to one’s partner reasonably is that it be;

1) understandable,

2) stated in detail,

3) fair and sensible (the desire for accountability is entirely reasonable, but your particular request may not be),

4) negotiable (if there is in fact room for negotiation- very important to know this beforehand),

5) non-negotiable (if there’s no room for negotiation- essential to know this beforehand as well).

By the way, if this is sounding a little more like a legalistic, binding contract than an agreement between partners, that’s because it is…It totally is. Despite their connotation, contracts don’t exist just to control or restrict people, they also exist just to make sure an otherwise informal or casual agreement (which could go sideways) is perfectly understood, genuinely agreed to, and to make clear what the consequences will be if it’s broken. Ever made a bet with someone? That’s a contract. And depending on how precise the terms were, the more of an Explicit Contract it was. (Did you have a team of lawyers draft up the terms? Probably not. But we bet there are bets where you wish you had.)

It’s precisely why we named it the Explicit Contract; so it’s explicitly clear what kind of contract it is. (Plus for branding purposes it tested significantly better than our patented “Cross Your Fingers and Hope for the Best, Ya Moron.” method.)

To make an Explicit Contract, you simply do the following;

1) Consider an expectation or requirement of your partner that you feel is reasonable, legitimate, and/or essential to ask of them, and to have in your relationship.

2) Present the Contract to your partner with as much clarity and specificity as possible.

3) Allow your partner to consider the Explicit Contract which is being proposed.

4) If your partner agrees to the terms of the proposed Contract, the two of you make an Explicit Contract.

5) If your partner wants to negotiate the proposed Contract and the terms of the negotiation are acceptable to you, the two of you make a revised Explicit Contract.

6) If your partner wants to negotiate the terms of the contract but the terms of the negotiation are unacceptable to you, you have no Explicit Contract.

7) If your partner refuses the terms of the contract, you have no Explicit Contract.

8) If an Explicit Contract is mutually endorsed, you then write down the precise terms of the Contract, and both sign it. Yes, actually write it ALL down. (We told you clarity was everything!)

But why go to all the potentially awkward and uncomfortable trouble of making a formal Explicit Contract, when two people could just agree about whatever issue they have? If you and your partner are accountable to each other and in the same way, and don’t typically misunderstand one another, you don’t have to! But we warn you, there are three HUGE ways in which toxic partners manipulate their partners and sidestep completely the accountability their partners deserve;

1) Claiming that a relationship expectation or requirement was never stated,

2) Claiming that a relationship expectation or requirement was never clearly stated,

3) Claiming that a relationship expectation or requirement was never agreed to.

(If you’ve ever had a relationship with a manipulative partner, you’re well aware of such, how shall we say?, lovable hijinks?) The written-down Explicit Contract effectively shuts down all three of these. And for those who’ve been bs’d one too many times by partners, writing down every Explicit Contract will be a requirement of every one of their Explicit Contracts. This isn’t unreasonable, and their partners should respect it.

Important Point: Please keep in mind that assessing accountability in one’s partner is about observing accountability in all of its contexts. Meaning, not just the way your partner responds to a particular Explicit Contract you propose, but how they react to the idea of Explicit Contracts, or accountability overall in your relationship. (Do they endorse the idea of accountability? Embrace it? Enjoy learning about it? Mention it without being prompted? Or do they kind of brush it under the rug?)

Focusing on both will make it much harder for a toxic partner to “run their racket,” as it were.

Do they seem genuinely interested in accountability?

Are they open to conversations about it?

Do they initiate such conversations?

Do they take your Explicit Contracts seriously?

Are your requests or requirements reasonable yet they reject them anyway?

Do they seem reluctant or disinterested in making Explicit Contracts?

Do they postpone or avoid making Explicit Contracts?

Are your Contracts reasonable but theirs are not?

Does it feel like they try to use accountability to manipulate or control you? (This can and does happen, and we’ll deal with it here in this blog and in our podcast.)

The above will all tell you a great deal about the accountability of your partner.

(Remember, you’re just observing and assessing your partner’s accountability, not forcing them to be so.)

The following statement might seem rather foreign at first, but it’s practically our thesis statement, and it gets to the very heart of why accountability, Explicit Contracts, and equality can succeed in discerning toxic individuals where other attempts often fail; 

You don’t expose a toxic individual by magically seeing through their various deceptions, sharpening your intuition, or catching all the red flags. You expose them by requiring from them a high level of transparency, personal conduct, and clear investment, which the toxic individual either cannot sustain, or doesn’t want to. Thus, it’s the toxic partner’s inability or unwillingness to uphold this standard over time which gives them away, not the chance discovery of their deceit.

And if you’re wondering what equality has to do with the above statement, please get this now and burn it into your memory;

Toxic individuals use any flaws in their partner’s behavior to justify their lack of accountability and to avoid having to be accountable in the relationship. It is therefore not just highly beneficial but essential that one conduct oneself with accountability when in an accountability-based relationship.

If your feeling is still that this approach seems wildly unrealistic, we assure you it’s not. And should it fail, you’ve just most likely dodged a bullet. Conventional approaches used to achieve accountability from one’s partner (arguing, fighting, demanding, forcing, complaining, manipulating, etc.), even if they work in the short-term, do nothing but perpetuate non-accountability, fighting, dysfunction and strife in the long-term. They merely permit the toxic partner to deflect, justify, confuse, obfuscate, and continue to operate in the same old way.

So if this all sounds too idealistic, believe us, it is. Because this “idealism” conceals a very shrewd, practical, “realistic” aspect;

In relationships where both equality and accountability have been established as guidelines for both partner’s behavior, whenever attempts to use power and control or unaccountability are made, they are far more obvious and apparent than they would otherwise be.

 But what if your partner breaks an Explicit Contract?

A broken contract means broken accountability, and this is quite serious. And a good explicit contract clearly lays out what the consequence of a broken contract is. If this happens, you’re under no obligation to act, but you nonetheless might want to make a serious assessment regarding their accountability as a person concerning what to do going forward in your relationship;

Can you be satisfied with a partner who’s not accountable with regard to issue the broken Explicit Contract refers to?

Can you be satisfied with what may be an unaccountable partner?

Given what you’ve learned, are you willing to go forward knowing you won’t have accountability in the area the contract refers to?

(These are all pertinent questions you should seriously consider.)

What is of the utmost significance- and what makes Explicit Contracts so enormously effective- is that at such time as an Explicit Contract is broken,

1) you will know with full awareness that your partner is not accountable with regard to the specific issue the broken Explicit Contract refers to.

2) you will not be in a state of confusion, uncertainty, self-doubt, or ambivalence with regard to the specific issue the broken Explicit Contract refers to,

3) your partner will not be able to manipulate or deceive you with regard to the issue the broken Explicit Contract refers to.

And while there will no doubt be sadness, anger, a sense of betrayal, and likely conflict with regard to broken Explicit Contract, the important thing is this;

Where an upheld Explicit Contract or a broken one is concerned, both leave literally nothing to discuss. Nothing. There’s nothing to debate and nothing to argue about. Do whatever you think is best given what you’ve learned at the appropriate time, but take comfort in knowing you won’t have to say or do a thing; you know what you need to know, and you have all the information you need.

(And trust us, the one thing toxic partners do not want you to ever achieve is this level of clarity; alevel of clarity they can’t talk you out of.)

Before we go,

Do you happen to recall from our previous post about how “treat me like you used to” is a request that can be so hard to achieve from a partner? With an Explicit Contract, you can specify precisely what behaviors you require that they continue to exhibit toward you going forward in the relationship. No more six months in, “What the hell happened to the person who used to treat me so well?” (And get your feet off the coffee table!)

It’s right there in writing.

This might be a good time to stress that making Explicit Contracts at the very beginning of a relationship pays massive dividends down the road. How one expects to be treated by their partner, or just ensuring the continuation of those wonderful things they are doing at the beginning of the relationship that are so enjoyable and satisfying, is an excellent thing to put into an Explicit Contract at the start of your relationship journey. (It also happens to be the time when your partner is likely at their best behavior and most willing to accommodate your wants and desires.)

In our next post, we’re going to share the numerous benefits and functions of Explicit Contracts!