2: The Explicit Nature Three Minute Elevator Pitch!

Picture it…You and a trusted associate stroll assuredly into the lobby elevator of a sleek high-rise in the bustling corporate sector of a major American city. You are heading to the fortieth floor (where you have standing lunch plans with Depok Chopra, Oprah Winfrey and 70’s Yacht Rock sensation Bertie Higgins.) Upon entering, you are joined by an attractive yet unassuming couple wearing t-shirts that read, “Ask me about my Explicit-Nature.” You chuckle lightly, then turn to your acquaintance and say, “…That reminds me, I sure wish I could share with Bertie a new and unique approach to achieving equality and accountability-based relationships.” Suddenly and without warning, the two attractive strangers make a lunge for the stop button (as well as every other button in the elevator), then shatter the emergency intercom repeatedly with a large mallet. “What the heck are you doing?!”, you yell. “We’re so sorry! But we heard what you said and we only have three minutes to explain the essentials of Explicit-Nature before the elevator doors open up again!!”
”But I don’t want to hear the essentials of Explicit-Na-.”
”SILENCE!!”, they scream, as they produce (seemingly from thin air) an enormous boombox playing the familiar opening strains of Teddy Pendergrass’ seminal 1980 hit, Love TKO. And through what could only be achieved through the magic of velcro, both strip down to matching gold terrycloth jumpsuits and exclaim rapturously, “…HIT IT!!…”

The only way to have a truly healthy relationship is for there to be complete and total equality between partners.

And the only way to achieve total equality is for both partners to refrain from using control or power of any kind on their partner or in the relationship. Yet refraining from the use of power of any kind in a romantic partnership is extraordinarily difficult; not because people typically desire to dominate and control another human being, but because refraining from it entirely activates feelings of acute helplessness, and emotional instability. In order to stave off such unpleasantness and insecurity, we will sometimes resort to various tactics to feel are necessary to achieve what control we think we need. We justify such tactics in our minds because we see them as non-abusive and necessary for personal well-being.

The only way to achieve true equality, then, is for both partners have matching accountability; the same definition of accountability, the same philosophy of accountability, exhibit the same degree of accountability, and finally, possess the same willingness to hold themselves and their partner equally accountable in the same manner, achieving what we might call “mutual accountability.”

But what do we mean by accountability?
Accountability, with regard to relationships, refers to the particular CONDUCT and BEHAVIOR one exhibits toward their partner and the relationship, which is a direct reflection of how much one truly VALUES their partner and the relationship.

However, not everyone has the same definition of accountability.

In our particular culture, the kind of accountability which is most commonly exhibited as well as tolerated in relationships is minimal; people exhibit minimal accountability, and their partners expect minimal accountability.

Minimal accountability is characterized as being externally motivated, meaning it is prompted or inspired not from within, but largely or exclusively by someone or something external to oneself.

External accountability is typically motivated or prompted by one of the following four reasons;

1) to make amends for having previously not behaved accountably,

2) because of a perceived negative consequence (so one takes accountability),

3) because of an expectation, obligation, or rule (which one merely obeys, complies with, goes along with, etc.), or

4) because one got caught (and subsequently takes accountability).

(Notice how uninspired, obligatory, and self-serving external accountability is.)

Real, or genuine accountability, on the other hand (which is in the Merriam-Webster dictionary, we might add) is internally motivated, meaning it is prompted or inspired by such things as genuine love, intense feelings, deep devotion, high personal investment, as well as a personal code of conduct which endorses an ethical approach to one’s relationship.

Real accountability, internal accountability, has four defining aspects;

1) personal responsibility,

2) transparency,

3) willingness,

4) a personal sense of duty.

This definition and standard of accountability is the one Explicit-Nature endorses, is the kind we suspect most people would regard as lacking in many relationships, and would likely claim they’d much prefer from a partner.

Please, please, please note that this latter kind of accountability, however idealistic or unrealistic it sounds, is literally nothing more than the conduct and behavior displayed by anyone who genuinely loves their partner and truly cares about their relationship.

What this means is that any partner who claims to genuinely love and care about you ought to fully endorse internal accountability as well.

So how on earth does one establish rules and guidelines for conduct, behavior, and problem-solving in a relationship where both partners are completely equal, free and autonomous?

Well, in an equality and accountability-based relationship, accountability is not required or expected in all forms, all ways, and at all times, as this would be perfection, which is unattainable and therefore unreasonable.

So instead, mutual accountability is established and expected solely through highly specific, mutually-endorsed, and mutually-created agreements, (what we call Explicit Contracts), which address a specific issue in the relationship and include things like behavior, conduct, and problem-solving.

Both parties, having claimed to have and endorse genuine accountability, create a contract, agree to uphold it, then demonstrate the accountability they claim they possess by allowing themselves to be held accountable by their partner in the same way their partner allows them to hold them accountable. All of which occurs within the parameters of that specific contract.

Every Explicit Contract results in the following three outcomes;

1) The Contract is a success (and the relationship goal is achieved),

2) The Contract fails, but is mutually agreed to be revised (resulting in an even better approach to the relationship issue than before),

3) The Contract fails, but you are now able to assess the degree of accountability your partner has with regard to that specific Contract, or if they have any accountability in that area of the relationship.

Thus, the Explicit Contract is both a problem solving tool and an accountability assessment tool.

And through Explicit Contracts, both partners can achieve;

a happier, stronger, healthier relationship through successful Contracts,

a greater sense of solidarity and unity, as well as a deeper understanding of the issues both partners are trying to solve,

and far greater understanding of just how much accountability you or your partner really have in a particular area of your relationship!