9: The Explicit-Nature Definition of Accountability (is Internally Motivated)

What if we told you the real definition of accountability isn’t one we, or even a crack shot team of moral linguists came up with, but simply the Merriam-Webster one anyone can easily google in an instant?

What if we then told you it encompasses all of the various definitions for accountability we’ve mentioned thus far, goes even further, and in only thirteen words! (You read that right, thirteen!)

In the time it takes to read this sentence you can define accountability.

Okay, we’ve made you wait long enough. Enough theatrics…Drumroll and K-pop laser show, please!...

Accountability (n); an obligation or willingness to accept responsibility or to account for one’s actions.

(Hold for applause…cricket, cricket, cricket…)

…Alright, fine, yes, admittedly at first glance it looks exactly like how everybody defines accountability; “acknowledging and taking responsibility for one’s actions.”

But hang on just a moment, you. If we look more closely and actually separate the various elements of this definition, we can see there’s not one or two, but four distinct components which characterize genuine accountability;

1) to accept responsibility for one’s actions.

2) to account for one’s actions.

3) to accept responsibility for one’s actions or account for them willingly.

4) to accept responsibility for one’s actions or account for them out of a sense of duty.

Do you see it yet? What makes true accountability different than shabby old conventional accountability?

The difference, the monumental difference, comes down to three important distinctions;

1) All aspects of it are internally motivated, and thus defined as internal accountability.

2) Such accountability is defined as including a willingness to be so. (No reference to it being done exclusively out of obligation or force.)

3) Such accountability is defined as not done exclusively after a prior wrong, mistake or failure. (Refuting the notion that a prior wrong, mistake or failure is a prerequisite for accountable behavior).

(This might not do much for you yet, but we assure you, accountability nerds everywhere are losing their ever-lovin’ minds right now.)

What this means is this; that according to the Merriam-Webster definition, accountability is something one can expect their partner to do willingly, and ongoingly.

..And this makes all the difference. Why, you ask?

Because it elevates accountability from being something that is transactional (which is perfectly acceptable and entirely appropriate in most situations between people), to something that describes emotional investment. In other words, a definition that reflects and corresponds with what would be the observable behavior and conduct of someone who cares highly about their partner.

In other words, if we embrace a definition for accountability that reflects the behavior of a truly invested, willing partner, we can both expect higher accountability from a partner who professes to have such a degree of investment, as well as experience that level of accountability without prompting or making them do so. (Everybody wins…Everyone except those who are lying when they say they have such accountability toward their partner.)

Does this make sense?

It reframes what the expectation of accountability can be in a relationship entirely, from one where a partner was formerly expected to obligingly follow various expectations and requirements of their partner and own it after they wrong or fail their partner, to one where a partner demonstrates that they wholly embrace and endorse such expectations in a consistent, ongoing way. (Which we shouldn’t have to tell you, are two different kinds of partner entirely.)

Initially, this level of conduct might seem a little unreasonable to expect, yes? Perfection all the time, WITH enthusiasm? Good luck. Not likely or perhaps even possible. Such an expectation, that of perfect, twenty-four seven accountability wholeheartedly endorsed in all areas of life would be completely unreasonable…Yeah, we completely agree! No one should have to be this way at all times and in all things!

But it might be acceptable to expect such accountability from one’s partner regarding some things at all times.

Let’s consider the above expectation in the context of just one particular area of a relationship, one which is typically assumed to have a high level of mutual endorsement; that of sexual fidelity in a monogamous relationship. It wouldn’t be unreasonable for someone to expect their partner to desire to be faithful, or to value being faithful, would it? Or to remain monogamous in a consistent, ongoing manner, would it? Of course not. And no one would regard it as unreasonable if a person who had been cheated on ended their relationship with their partner because they held such an expectation. Such an expectation of willing, ongoing, consistent sexual fidelity (without lapses!) is a given in all relationships where monogamy has been mutually agreed upon. (The accountability we’re advocating through Explicit-Nature is no different.)

What makes the Merriam-Webster definition so profoundly, fundamentally, wholly different (relative to the way accountability is currently defined by most people), is not just that one’s expectations of their partner are now higher than before (given this new definition), but that one’s partner (if they claim to endorse this new definition) professes to have a higher level of emotional investment which their partner can, in turn, easily observe.

Anyone who cares deeply about their partner can easily make such a commitment, as this kind of accountability is precisely the sort which characterizes any genuinely loving, invested partner, and precisely the kind that an unaccountable partner lacks.

As for the inevitable reality of human failure, yes, of course, we all make mistakes, fail in our endeavors, and even do bad things we hopefully later regret. And while it’s only fitting that we should acknowledge and make amends for such transgressions, by definition, real accountability is not limited to such contexts. Nor is real accountability merely an apology, a gesture, a fix-all, or a forced confession, but in fact a kind of voluntary conduct that, while not necessarily achieved at all times, can be expected to be strived for at all times.

Such a definition places the onus of being truly accountable squarely and solely on a person’s own shoulders. Suddenly a person who might otherwise capitalize on and exploit our former “unofficial” definition doesn’t have quite as much room for interpretation, wiggle-room, or avoidance. Consider how much more difficult it would be for anyone to deceive, manipulate, or control another person if what is expected is not merely a declaration of accountability, accountable behavior at particular times, in certain circumstances, and to varying degrees, but at all times and in all contexts regarding those areas important to one’s partner and their relationship.

Obviously, knowing the real definition alone won’t magically make anyone’s partner accountable in such ways, but it will make the expectation of accountability from them much more specific, constant, consistent, and observable.

We also should add that expecting and requiring such accountability from a partner doesn’t make you too demanding, high maintenance, or unrealistic, even if your partner tells you it does. This is because it’s literally nothing more than expecting and requiring the conduct and behavior of a person who claims they love you, value you, and are committed to your happiness and fulfillment. Nothing more at all.

..Put your accountability where your flapping mouth is, Casanova.

Bit of a game-changer, yes? We certainly think so!

Because where the current, conventional definition of accountability is concerned, anyone can “shift” or “pivot” into accountability when it’s personally beneficial or only due to a perceived positive or negative personal consequence. This kind of convenient, minimal effort, self-centered, last-resort accountability is in reality nothing short of a “get out of non-accountability free” card!

What the real definition states, and states unambiguously (it is only thirteen words long after all), is that accountability is an action or behavior that is not solely reactive but proactive; willingly undertaken, ongoing, and prompted not merely by what is personally advantageous (the bad kind), but by the immeasurable benefits it bestows upon one’s partner, oneself, and one’s relationship (the good kind).

..You know, the stuff loving, caring, emotionally invested people like you do for your loved ones literally all the time!

Consider this;

The higher and more explicit our expectation of accountability is, the harder it is for someone to avoid it.

And this;

The expectation that one’s partner will personally choose to live in accordance with accountability at all times (not just at times), makes it many times harder for a person to avoid or fake doing so.

Because we have some unpleasant news for you (and we hope you’re sittin’ down for this); your current definition of accountability is the only one your present or future toxic partner wants you to have.

Suddenly, non-accountable and partially-accountable people stand out just a little bit more, don’t they? Suddenly they’re a lot more conspicuous. Kinda makes you wonder just how effective toxic people could be if the expectation every partner had of them was that they always either take responsibility or stand by what they do, exhibit a genuine desire to be accountable, and regard being so as their personal duty. Such parameters would significantly limit what a toxic person could get away with, would it not?

At this point you might be wondering, “How on earth do you make someone agree to such a high standard of accountability?”

Well, for starters, you don’t make anyone. Where equality-based relationships are concerned (of which relationship accountability is an essential part), you and your partner only do those things which are chosen of your own free will. No forcing, manipulating, coercing, guilting, “nagging,” (which is a terrible word for someone who just wants their partner to take out the damn trash), etc. None of that.

Perhaps a better question might be, “How can I ever expect my partner to willingly agree to such a high standard of accountability?” In order to reasonably have such an expectation from one’s partner, such accountability would also have to be entirely reasonable.

And lucky for all of us, the demand for such accountable behavior from one’s partner is precisely that.

Join us in our next post where we explain why expecting, requesting, and requiring genuine accountability from a partner is completely reasonable.