10: Why the Expectation of Accountability from a Partner is Always Reasonable

Not to be indelicate, but just how the hell is expecting from one’s partner ongoing, consistent accountability of a high degree…reasonable??

Well, plenty of reasons, actually. Lots of ‘em;

1) First and foremost, no one in an accountability-based relationship ever, ever, has to be accountable in all ways and in all areas of life. (You might want to read that last sentence a few more times.) That would be perfection, which is not only impossible, it’s an absurd expectation, and not at all what relationship accountability is about.

People in accountability-based relationships only have to be accountable to their partner and the relationship;

1) only in areas that both partners agree to,

2) only to the degree that both partners agree upon,

3) only in a manner that both partners mutually establish.

(This, by the way, is actually nothing new and is utterly common practice in any serious relationship. The only difference being that in many relationship situations, expectations are implicit, meaning one partner assumes the other partner holds the same view regarding an issue, which is often not the case. (Nobody wants to hear their partner say, “…Oh, I thought I mentioned it.” with regard to polyamory on your second anniversary, even if you are tripping balls at Burning Man.) In equality and accountability-based relationships, however, such expectations are far more clearly laid-out, are voluntarily agreed to, and are assessed specifically from the perspective of personal accountability (which is very different from the perspective of, “Did they follow the rule or not?”)

And please, here us when we say again that accountability isn’t about perfection, even if it seems unattainable at first glance given a lot of people’s relationship history. Not at all. We repeat, you don’t have to be at all perfect! Just be able to back up the claim that you’re fully invested in your partner’s happiness and well-being. (If we were reading this for the first time, we’d be quite relieved to hear this and we hope you are too. Because the two of us are both far from perfect, we assure you; if there was a perfection contest, we wouldn’t even get a participation trophy.) Yep, put on some sweats and eat Cheetos in bed, because even with accountability everyone still gets to be the adorably flawed, endearingly mediocre, ordinary screwups (aka, human beings) that we’ve always been.

That’s not unreasonable, is it?

At this point you might be thinking, “But even if one’s partner is asked just to be accountable to the relationship and their partner, isn’t it still perhaps unreasonable to ask such a high standard of a partner? Real accountability seems to set the bar pretty high.”

The answer is a resounding no, and here are several more reasons as to why;

2) First of all, accountability isn’t actually a “high standard” at all. It’s actually just baseline conduct for anyone who claims to genuinely care about their partner and wants them to be happy and fulfilled. Given what you now know of its full definition, consider what NOT being accountable in a relationship looks like;

not taking responsibility for your actions,

not standing by any of your actions,

having no willingness to do either,

and rejecting the notion that you have any obligation to.

..Yikes! Who let this prick in?

We all have, folks. We all have.

All kidding aside, in a very real and practical sense, the four pillars of genuine accountability are nothing more than the basics, the veritable abc’s of loving behavior with “what not being a complete a-hole looks like” clearly articulated.

3) If you’re willing to be accountable toward your partner (which millions and millions of people everywhere are), then of course it’s entirely reasonable to ask them to do so for you. Isn’t accountable behavior precisely what you’ve always given to your partner every time? And isn’t getting it back all you’ve ever asked? If so, it’s about time you did.

4) Ironically, even amongst people who reveal over time they’re not accountable, such behavior is often precisely the kind of behavior they showed their partner at the BEGINNING of the relationship! It just died a slow, gradual death on the rocks of, “Now that I have ‘em I don’t have to try anymore.” Remember how wonderfully your partner treated you when the two of you first started dating? Those magical first six months (or six hours in some cases)? All that investment, care and concern they were constantly serving up? Remember how much they valued and appreciated you? All that thoughtfulness? That feeling of being on a pedestal? Of being of high value? Well guess what? All that good stuff was just them treating you with real accountability! They just stopped doing it after a while because they could.

In fact, that very behavior of accountability has a lot to do with why you found them attractive in the first place! It’s partly why we fall in love with the people we do, why we find someone attractive, and even find falling in love itself so spectacular in the first place. We get to experience intoxicatingly high relationship accountability from another human being, and for a while at least, have an absolutely wonderful relationship! For crying out loud, you’re not asking for the moon on a waffle cone, all you’re asking them to do is to treat you now the way they did then!
..Is this unreasonable??

Was it reasonable that they stopped?

The real question might not be, “Is it reasonable to ask my partner to treat me with accountability?,” but rather, “Is it reasonable for me to settle for someone other than the person I first fell in love with?”

(Pro-tip: toxic people will typically accountability-bomb their partner when they’re trying to make an incredible first impression, then let all that wonderfulness just fade away when they have what they want.)

We can tell you this much, if you have an unaccountable partner what’s not going to be regarded as reasonable is to ask for something vague like, “Treat me like you used to.” without providing specifics as to what that precise behavior was, and without them having agreed to do so in the first place. (And even then they’ll no doubt look at you like you’re an auctioneer stroking out during a bidding war.) But it is reasonable to expect of your partner that they continue to be the same loving, respectful, invested person today that they were when you first cast them in a starring role in your life.

5) It’s entirely reasonable because millions of people are expected to behave in precisely the same way every single day! Consider such established, commonplace customs as conduct and professionalism, which are baseline expectations and requirements of virtually every profession, and in every single workplace. People behaving in a manner that safeguards and ensures mutual satisfaction, respect, safety, mutually desired outcomes, overall success and longevity. (If only lovers treated each other like most businesses know to treat their customers, right?) The conduct of personal and relationship accountability is no different.

..Sadly they’re just asked for by partners who don’t have the power to require or enforce such a completely reasonable expectation.

6) And finally, last but not least, the obvious; asking for accountable behavior is nothing more than asking for the behavior we all feel that we deserve not just from a significant partner but from any person on this planet; that they take responsibility for their actions, that they stand by what they do, that they do so willingly or acknowledge their duty to do so toward their fellow human beings. (We may not expect it, certainly, but don’t we all feel that we deserve it?) Where some people get off thinking they don’t have to do this for their fellow humans, much less their partner in life, is anybody’s guess. But this is just the way of the toxic individual (as well as where we find ourselves as a species that hasn’t established real accountability as an valued, reciprocal, social norm).

So yes, it’s entirely reasonable.

But here’s a question; “Assuming one’s partner agreed that an expectation of consistent conduct was reasonable to expect, how exactly does anyone realistically maintain the same conduct and treatment their partner showed them at the beginning of the relationship?”

..So glad you asked..

Because what’s NOT reasonable (and this is highly important), is;

1) to assume your partner will treat you ongoingly in a way you’ve not communicated to them,

2) to ask for a particular behavior from your partner in unclear and imprecise terms, and

3) to expect a particular behavior if your partner hasn’t explicitly agreed to do so.  

Which brings us to the Explicit Contract.

The thing that makes all expectations of accountability both reasonable and achievable, highly specific, mutually endorsed, and (perhaps most importantly), safeguards the continuance of desired behaviors from one’s partner over time.

In our next post we’re going to discuss the reasonable way to ask for accountability from your partner; The Explicit Contract!